Sleepless night brings insights. I was up all night last night. My mind constant with running thoughts. Truth be told, raw moments are much tougher for me than raw foods. Quieting my soul I looked deep inside myself. It is terrifying! My past so laden with obstacles, most are only faint ghosts that rarely surface, but tonight they are out in full force.
Many of us, including myself are so busy with our daily lives that we seldom take the time to slow down, and digest all that is happening. Not just what is happening around us and in our own lives, but what is happening to others in our world. I know I am not alone so I practice Tonglen during the night. Connecting myself with suffering, not just my own struggles, but with suffering all around the world.
In the early hours of the morning, Lindsey and I were talking. My biggest fear is loosing my mind, and when I don’t sleep I feel like this is happening. I realize that not taking my thoughts so seriously and recognizing that we are really not just our thoughts. I wonder why we believe and take our thoughts so seriously? How do we even know our thoughts are our own? Wow the power of our minds when we believe we are our thoughts. When we take our thoughts so seriously, we feel separate from everything because we are so lost in our own minds.
Coming from a family with mental illness and suicide, I am terrified on a primal level of loosing my mind. May all sentient beings be free from suffering and free from the terror of loosing their minds. Lindsey’s biggest fear is waking up with a soar throat and not being able to speak her mind. Stuck living a life of holding back and never being able to speak up. We both realized this morning that we employ one another to support in the things each of us are NOT afraid of. I’m cool speaking up, even sometimes and getting my ass kicked. She has NO FEAR of loosing her mind.
I’m learning every day now that I scared myself so much watching my mind, and now I try not to take my thoughts and beliefs so seriously. I find this so helpful. When I fully believe my thoughts this affects me so deeply, and wow, how our thoughts affect our emotions. When it hits me, it is all consuming. Unwavering I stand in these moments of raw.
Thank you to Joel for kicking my ass with questions that have brought up a lot of my past and present. What an honor this is to have this happen in my lifetime.